Well here’s the last from our friendly neighborhood murderers, Gianni Fiorenza and Liam Corchoran. I can only hope their perspective has brought something– er, well, something to the table. G is convinced it has, and that it was priceless, but he would be. Punk.

As to what came before:

• Part 4: Cronos, Interview with the Vampire, Shadow of the Vampire
• Part 3: The Night Stalker, Vampire Hunter D, The Lost Boys, Near Dark
• Part 2: Martin, Dracula (1979), The Hunger
• Part 1: Nosferatu, Dracula (1931), Brides of Dracula

And now, the end! Spoilers for 30 Days of Night and Let the Right One In. Both of which I truly recommend, by the way, whether the peanut gallery here does or not.

30 DAYS OF NIGHT – David Slade – 2007 (Josh Hartnett, Melissa George, Danny Huston)

Humans: 1, Vampires: 192 (We're still winning.)

Gianni: What a shame about the ending– he would’ve been a brilliant vampire. But really, that’s what the emo sort ought to do. Save us all the pain of their immortal whining.
Liam: Even the humans were bad ass. I mean, the vampires were pretty stupid to do something so risky, but how could they resist? Just– rad.
Gianni: You only think that because it’s like watching a whole pack of Liams. In the snow.
Liam: It is not. These guys are tearing off heads and leaving snow drifts covered in blood; I just fuck up the occasional alley–
Gianni: You had it in your hair last night. Your hair. If it weren’t so charming, the waste of it would break my heart.
Liam: Let’s move to Alaska.

LET THE RIGHT ONE IN – Tomas Alfredson – 2008 (Kåre Hedebrant, Lina Leandersson, Per Ragnar)

Creepy little girl temper tantrum: hold your breath until blood leaks from every follicle and orifice.

Gianni: Gorgeous. Children do tug at the mortal heartstrings, no matter if they’re monsters. Too little blood in them for us to care much, though.
Liam: I felt bad for the vampire. Takes a real fucker to change someone so small and incapable.
Gianni: And I liked the ending, for once. The sweet innocence of their relationship in the service of bloodlust. Delicious.
Liam: Mostly it’s just nice to be reminded that Scandinavia produces something other than boring torture porn.
Gianni: Blaming all of those lovely countries for Lars von Trier is like blaming all Irish-Americans for the Dropkick Murphys.
Liam: … I like the Dropkick Murphys.
Gianni: I don’t know why I bother, sometimes.

TWILIGHT – Catherine Hardwicke – 2008 (Robert Pattinson, Kristin Stewart, Billy Burke)

"This is the skin of a killer, Bella." Yes, Edward Cullen just said that. I don't even have to make lame jokes-- the script provides them gratis.

Gianni: I owe an apology to Interview with the Vampire. I did not know tedious until just now.
Liam: Come on, it’s a cool concept. The Cullens are interesting characters, trying to be human like that, and I’d definitely sink my teeth into Bella.
Gianni: Are you seriously defending this film’s ethos of self-denial? It’s completely anti-vampire.
Liam: You’re the one who likes it easy: this movie’s lining up a whole new generation of willing victims. “Girls, see that creepy guy staring at you like he wants to eat your face off? Yeah, trust him unquestioningly and try to make out with him constantly. Because he clearly loves you, and unless you get a man to love you, you fail at life.”
Gianni: I approve of them watching it, but why should I be bored to tears? Do you have any idea the things I’m going to have to do tonight to feel alive again?
Liam: Can I get in on that action?
Gianni: Funny you should put it that way.

And I reckon we should leave them there, for everyone’s sake. They’ll retreat back to the dark corners of my mind… well, as much as they ever do.

As for me, it’s time for full disclosure: I watched Twilight last year when my friend Jen brought it for a visit. While we had good fun with it, I wasn’t totally convinced I could make it through again– not even hopelessly drunk. So this time I downloaded the RiffTrax, and it was truly brilliant. I will even watch it again, with Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbet involved.

RiffTrax crowning moment: when Edward is carting Bella through the woods on his back in fast forward (yes, that actually happens), Kevin Murphy starts singing the “Benny Hill” music.

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Now playing: The Kinks – Lola
via FoxyTunes

Hi there!

Well, after a fabulous bit of actual socializing– in person!– and a break from all things internet-ish, I feel prepared to jump back in and catch up. Hell, maybe I’ll even get some work done. Gotta have those breaks every now and then, don’t we?

It’s good timing, though. My pal Mina Kelly– who may be familiar to some of you as N.K. Kingston– has just had her first book from Loose Id released: Tease. If you like romance/erotica (this one happens to be m/m, but she can do it all) with a modern fantasy twist, it doesn’t get better than this. Seriously. Check it out.

And in other things I’m trying to sell, vampires!

Ah, I heard that groan. But don’t worry, it’s almost over. I decided to talk about the Vampire Awareness Month movies from the point of view of two vampire characters because, well, I promise it’s more interesting than me saying the same crap every human always says about them, but with a thumbs up or thumbs down thrown in.

However, when I saw the list of movies last month, and Mark Deniz was asking for blog entries, I couldn’t resist. There are times when I think 30 Days of Night might be my favorite vampire movie, but I’m always sure it’s the scariest. I went to the theater to see it because it looked crazy cool, and it turned out to be. And then I bought the graphic novel. Ahh, yeah.

So to tempt you to click through to my newly-posted 30 Days of Night review (includes both movie and book comparison!) over at the VAM blog, let me tempt you with this, my favorite panel from the comic. It should give you some indication of the kind of vampires we’re dealing with, here.

Irresistible, no?

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Now playing: Nine Inch Nails – God Given
via FoxyTunes

This is the next-to-last crop. If you’re seeing this, WordPress fulfilled its promise to post this on time. Thank you, WordPress, for– functioning, I guess. I apologize for any slowness this week on blog-reading and emails, but we have company just now, and I’m probably detained with a martini somewhere. It’s a hard life.

So here we have an excellent selection of Vampire Awareness month movies for our lovable bloodsucking hosts Gianni and Liam to enjoy: Cronos, Interview with the Vampire, and Shadow of the Vampire. What’s not to love? Well, I’m sure they’ll find something, but I liked them all. Mild spoilers on the first two, but nothing major.

[If you're new to this idiotic exercise and actually want to know what the hell is going on, please see the first for an intro.]

CRONOS – Guillermo del Toro – 1993 (Federico Luppi, Ron Perlman, Claudio Brook)

Ever get so drunk you woke up licking blood off the bathroom floor? (DO NOT WANT.)

Gianni: Little girls are intensely creepy.
Liam: Yeah. You know what else is creepy? Purple peel-off skin. In the best way possible.
Gianni: I liked the insect angle, but the alchemy one* was brilliant.
Liam: Thumbs up for Del Toro on that one.
Gianni: The movie was a little slow, but rather good over all.
Liam: I would’ve liked it more if the end hadn’t deteriorated into classic bad movie decision making there in the end. “Hey, these guys want to kill me, I think I’ll take my creepy but affectionate granddaughter into their abandoned warehouse with me!”
Gianni: Fortunately she was more capable than he. And now she’ll haunt my dreams for days.

INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE – Neil Jordan – 1994 (Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Kirsten Dunst)

This would taste like shit. But Lestat gets mad style points for it anyhow.

Liam: Well, Neil Jordan, you succeeded. That was definitely a movie about the saddest vampires I’ve ever seen, as promised.
Gianni: In so many ways.
Liam: It’s cool, though. It’s a good story, Claudia is amazing–
Gianni: Less creepy than the little Cronos girl, anyhow.
Liam: –and Lestat’s hilarious. Plus– fire!
Gianni: It was pretty, but almost painfully tedious. All that mooning and Lestat and Louis didn’t even fuck.
Liam: Her vampires don’t fuck. Well, I think they can, but it doesn’t, er, do them any good.
Gianni: Christ, that’s appalling. I almost feel bad for mocking Louis, now. Poor man.
Liam: Almost.

SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE – E. Elias Merhige – 2000 (John Malkovich, Willem Dafoe, Udo Kier)

Eddie Izzard looks too good in makeup NOT to have played a prima donna silent film actor.

Liam: I’m going to find a Nosferatu coat. Unless it means I have to go into Hot Topic. In which case I’ll do without.
Gianni: Anyhow, it would defeat the point of being so pretty; people would see it coming. You’d have to chase them down.
Liam: Hell yeah. –wait, did you mean that to sound like a bad thing?
Gianni: Adorable, Liam. I enjoyed this movie. German cinema is always fascinating, and I don’t know how Willem Dafoe manages to be so over the top but so sympathetic at the same time. Someone should change him and preserve his genius.
Liam: I’d say that about Malkovich’s inherent crazy, too, but he’d probably bite me first.
Gianni: Did you mean that to sound like a bad thing?

They’ll wrap it up next time with 30 Days of Night (which I will be reviewing for the official VAM blog. Yay!), Let the Right One In, and Twilight. There’s still time to join in– check out the VAM Facebook page here.

*Full disclosure: My angle = alchemy. So yeah, they pretty much have to appreciate that. Awesome!

How about I can’t stop listening to the new Interpol single? Are we surprised? Nope. But it’s just going to be one of those three-month stretches where everyone awesome on the planet releases a new album, so I guess I’d better start saving up.

So I actually worked on writing today! My first– anything solo since Plaguebringer broke my brain. Huge! The story I puked up the other day grew from a few half-formed ideas suddenly colliding, as they so often do, and this freaky little town I guess I invented to be the home of one of my characters. I then decided a bunch of people should be from there, and started writing stories. This one, tentatively titled The Connoisseur, is only the second I’ve actually finished, but that’s all right. Anyhow, the town’s called Liberty Tree, Virginia, and it’s apparently been screwed up since its founding.

Which is why I called it Liberty Tree, after a quote by one of Virginia’s most screwed up, influential, ingenious, and articulate* children. Helps that he inspired that first Liberty Tree character, too:

What country before ever existed a century & a half without a rebellion? & what country can preserve it’s liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance? Let them take arms. The remedy is to set them right as to facts, pardon & pacify them. What signify a few lives lost in a century or two? The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants. It is its natural manure. -Thomas Jefferson

I wouldn’t like my private letters to be aired 200 years after my death, but something tells me TJ would be pretty pleased. A few months back someone quoted this same piece of crazy (just the bit about the tree of liberty, obviously) to justify bringing a gun to the Capitol building, even. And I’m sure that would please him, too.

It might please him less that the characters and places he inspires in this red-blooded little American are less than noble (if always very well-spoken and charming). But well, he’s dead, and I’m not, so if there’s ever to be a reckoning, it won’t be today.

Anyhow, the story I just finished is totally unrelated to TJ apart from the Liberty Tree connection. Its– er, not-hero** is a young man called Matthew Pelham. Here’s the first paragraph I ever wrote from his point of view, slightly edited from its original form, but nowhere near finished:

Pel followed Mary into Liberty Tree First Presbyterian, half expecting to burst into flames. Christ the Shepherd, resplendent in sun-drenched aquamarine-and-amber glass, corralled them safely into the family pew instead.

But he would, wouldn’t he?

ETA: I should also say here that that first line came from something my brother once said to me when I was visiting home. “Kate, remember when you walk into the church: stop, drop, and roll.”

*Note: For anyone feeling pugnacious, this is not an endorsement or indictment of Thomas Jefferson, his politics, his personal life, or anything else. It’s one of my favorite historical subjects, but the long and short of my opinion is: he was a bastard, and a great politician and writer. Imply causality all you like there, because I know I do.
**Not anti-hero. No.

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Now playing: Interpol – Barricade
via FoxyTunes

I broke the cycle of pain yesterday by vomiting a 5k hideously malformed story onto the page. Yay! The only problem is that it was set in 1925, so now there’s an endless loop of 20s pop-jazz standards in my brain. It’s like an episode of Jeeves and Wooster gone horribly wrong.

Gianni the vampire likes this state of affairs, as it reminds him of being an adolescent human. Not that he has a problem with his current situation, just that it’s cute to think he used to be so absurd. So here he is with his little prodigy (and progeny, I guess– oooh that was bad, sorry) Liam for another crop of fine Vampire Awareness Month movies.

[Note: Near Dark is tomorrow's movie, but there aren't any spoilers for it. Minor ones for the first two, though. And please bear in mind, these views do not necessarily reflect my own. Yes, I might be crazy, but I prefer that to boredom.]

THE NIGHT STALKER – John Llewellyn Moxey – 1972 (Darren McGavin, Carol Lynley, Barry Atwater)

Um, is this thing on?

Gianni: Any vampire who behaves in that reckless fashion is trying to die. And even if he wasn’t, he deserves it for having red satin lining in his jacket. I don’t care if it’s Las Vegas, some sins cannot and should not be forgiven.
Liam: I love this movie– TV must’ve been so much cooler in the 70s.
Gianni: You know I hate to disappoint you, but not really, no.
Liam: Bah. Of all the good lines, my favorite was: “We don’t want undesirable elements in Las Vegas…”
Gianni: Ha!
Liam: It’s like No Country For Old Vampires. It’s Tommy Lee Jones as Kolchak vs. Javier Bardem as the vampire. Sneaky fucking Coen Brothers!

VAMPIRE HUNTER D – Toyoo Ashida – 1985

Animated Vampire Hopeful Bowie: *sweatdrop*

Gianni: I’m going to start offering sex as payment for services rendered.
Liam: That’s legal in Future Japan. But only if you’re a little girl who constantly flashes her underwear and has a tear-away bra.
Gianni: No, no, I’m sure I could work the angle. You’d fall for it.
Liam: Only if I could heroically refuse the sex, and then get it anyhow.
Gianni: Ugh. At least we didn’t have to endure actual cartoon sex. Just unappealing nudity and the promise that he’d be back for it later– perhaps when she grows out of that awkward teenage phase.
Liam: Haven’t watched much anime, have you?

THE LOST BOYS – Joel Schumacher – 1987 (Jason Patric, Jami Gertz, Kiefer Sutherland)

Vampires everywhere trembled at the sight of The Coreys. And-- that kid.

Liam: Did you dress like that in the 80s?
Gianni: More Gordon Gekko, less Axl Rose, thank you very much.
Liam: Two pop culture references in one sentence. Wow, Gianni.
Gianni: The movie, brat.
Liam: Right, the movie. When I was a kid I thought the part with the maggots was awesome. Now I’m grown up and immortal and I still think it’s awesome. This movie is awesome in general, in fact.
Gianni: I like their hotel-cave. I’m not much for caves myself, but I think my uncle’s mad scientist laboratory would look rather good in one.
Liam: Let’s get him one for Christmas. It’s what the baby Jesus would want.

NEAR DARK – Kathryn Bigelow – 1987 (Adrian Pasdar, Jenny Wright, Bill Paxton)

How to turn on a vampire: drink blood, make a mess, kiss vampire with mess still in tact. Fact.

Gianni: I can’t fault her; you’ve given me a taste for sweet little farm boys, I’m afraid.
Liam: Sweet? That guy is a douchebag. She says, “Take me home.” He says, “Not unless you kiss me.” Right there, I’d have torn his fucking throat out.
Gianni: Yet the most offensive thing about that scene was the acting. At the very least, this movie contained the single hottest moment thus far: that long bloody kiss of theirs beats Dracula’s 70s sex scene– even The Hunger, really.
Liam: It was pretty fun, but the ending sucked. Gimme the next one.
Gianni: Not unless you kiss me.
Liam: I’d tear your throat out, but you’d like it too much.
Gianni: … [Ed: If you've never seen a vampire pretend to pout-- well, here it is.]

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Now playing: Frank Crumit – Oh, By Jingo! Oh, By Gee! You’re the Only Girl for Me
via FoxyTunes